How Free-Range Are Your Kids?

I have found my new favorite parenting movement and blog: Free Range Kids.  Basic premise of Free Range Parenting (FRP) is that children need and deserve the freedom and independence to play and do things for themselves.

"Helicopter parenting," which has gotten broad media exposure, so much to the point that now I find articles highlighting the benefits of being in your kid's life/face 24-7, is basically the antithesis of Free Range Parenting.  The appeal to FRP to me lies in the idea of trust: trust in your child, trust in your own abilities to teach your child about right and wrong, safety, etc., and trust in the world (strangers).  I don't want my son to think that around every corner is a "bad person" waiting to kidnap him or hurt him.  I want him to feel confident to make good decisions about what situations and people are safe and comfortable.  Truth is, crimes against children are down (child abuse, neglect, abductions, etc.) and that most crimes against children are perpetrated by someone the child knows (family member, teacher, coach, neighbor, etc.). Don't get me even started about the dreaded and much-hyped "online predators".

I was a Free Range kid.  I grew up on the rural edge between two suburban towns.  My back yard was bordered by cornfields and woods.  There were acres of farmland and woodlands for the neighborhood kids to explore.  It was paradise!!!  At the ages of 8-12 my two best friends (neighbors) and I would wonder all over the general area, playing in the pond out in the fields, lounging in the clover fields until dark, carrying picnics out to the woods, building forts in deep trenches, tracking deer, and so many more "dangerous" and daring adventures.  Our parents couldn't see us, they didn't want to see us!  We were kicked out of the house after breakfast, got called in for lunch, and then were free until dark.  In this neglectful environment we got fresh air, exercise, friendship, independence and hours of fun. 

I want my son to have similar adventures.  Although his adventures will be in a more urban/surburban landscape.  But in some ways his range can be longer, because he can take the bus or trolley to the city or out to another suburban town.  I was at the mercy of where I could walk or where my parents were willing to drive me.  I'm not saying that my son will be riding the bus at the age of 5, but maybe at 8 or 10.  It depends on his maturity and how much responsibility he can handle.  Some kids would get into all kinds of real danger and trouble if given an hour of freedom.  Other kids wouldn't even think of it. 

Just yesterday, my son played in our backyard (tiny backyard) while I cleaned up the kitchen and got ready to make dinner.  I couldn't see him the whole time, but I could hear him digging in the garden.  I checked on him as I went about my business in the kitchen.  It was a great solution to the problem of us wanting to do different things.  Some people will think that leaving a 2 1/2 year old unsupervised for even a minute is crazy.  Other people will wonder what took me so long.

I am all for each parent making her own choices and following her instincts.  But the media and others have a vested interest in making us doubt our own instincts and understanding.  We have to be diligent and thoughtful in our decisions about parenting.  But we don't have to be afraid. 

Who isn't working?

I have been trying to write the beginning sentence of this post for five minutes. I've been tripping over the phrase I want to use instead of "working mom". I hate the phrase "working mom" because every woman who is a mother works her ass off everyday, whether her day takes her to power lunches, court dates, playdates or storytimes. Being a mother (a parent) is work...non-stop work. As illustration:

I am a relatively lazy human being, at least in my mind when I compare what I do (and want to do) with what I see and hear other people accomplishing. But in the course of any day I will do all or most of these tasks at least once:
Make a meal
Clean up dishes after that meal
Dress a member of my family (sometimes even myself)
Sweep the floor
Get someone a drink or snack
Read a picture book
Walk to the grocery store
Wipe a butt
Clean up a mess I didn't make
Dance to the radio
Exercise (going for a jog or head to the Y)
Go to the neighborhood playground
Post a status update on facebook
Read and write emails
Clean a room or part of a room
Play choo choos
Put toys away in the toy box

And that is not an exhaustive list, because of course I eat, sleep, and watch TV just like everyone else. And I didn't include activities related to work or volunteering, but you get the idea. Even in "not working" there is a lot of work going on.

I actually see going to my office as my leisure time, in certain ways it is. I can wear nice clothes, read books on the bus, eat whatever I want for lunch, talk to adults, think about whatever I want, create useful things, share ideas, and even goof off. Off course, I love my family time at home, even the cleaning and cooking parts (ok, not the cleaning parts). I like spending two days a week with my son, going on little adventures in the neighborhood and seeing friends. Those days are luxuries. I know that. But they are luxuries that wear me out. Loving and caring for another human, especially a 2 1/2 year old human boy, is intense and endless work. But I won't say it is thankless work. I get thanked everyday in word and in action: in smiles, in hugs, in wonder, in laughter, in words. It's awesome.

So back to the original point (if there was one)...what do we call ourselves? Are we "stay-at-home mothers"? Are we "work-outside-the-home mothers"? Are we "working mothers"? Or are we just mothers doing the best we can with what we have? Why do we allow ourselves to be divided and labeled, pitted against each other in the Mommy Wars? When we are all just women loving our families and doing our best to keep our heads above water. We are all working moms.

Potty Training Ain't for the Weak of Heart or Stomach

We are in the midst of potty traing and it is wearing on me.  For the most part, things are going great, more goes in the potty than on the floor.  But I am the parent doing the training and the cleaning up.  And I don't like it.

True, I have more overall time with the boy.  True, I am the one who tends to lead any new household routine.  But why is it that way?  Because I make it that way?  Because men just don't care about the things we women do?  Because I'm the mom and I said so?

To offer a few lessons learned in the potty training realm:  

1. Don't ask, tell.
Tell the child it is time for the potty.  If you ask they almost always say no.

2. Bribes work.
Whether it is candy, juice, tv, chocolate chips, stickers, books, whatever.  Go with it.  Bribery will get you everywhere.

3. Pull ups are diapers; they don't help.

I offered a little feedback to my partner this morning about my need to have some help with the actual work of getting the boy diaper-less.  And you know what, within 30 minutes said partner was in the bathroom with said boy, reading books and sitting.  So maybe a little feedback goes a long way.  Or maybe I just had the right amount of bitchiness in my voice.  I go with bitchiness, it works best when used sparingly.  A lot of women forget that last part.

New Year, New Challenges

2009 is the year for CHANGE.  Change is definitely in the air.  And in keeping with this theme, I have decided to change my life in some key and challenging ways.  First, I'm applying to graduate school for a masters in public health.  Second, I'm committing myself to becoming more fit with a goal of completing a half marathon in November. 

I want to be a better me, both on the outside and the inside.  I need new challenges all the time.  I love learning new things and seeing what I can do.  I don't really like running, well I do, but only in the moment, not in the thinking about doing it moment.  Just yesterday I ran two miles straight and felt pretty good about myself.  I haven't done that in more than 3 years.  As far as school goes, I haven't been in a real class since 1997.  But I managed to do reasonably well on the GRE and wrote a decent personal statement, so I'm up for the challenge of graduate level work.

So come September I will be working part time, going to school part time, and mothering/partnering full time.  Somewhere in there I will need to keep up my training for the half marathon and see my friends once in a while.  I know lots of women take on these kind of juggling challenges on a daily basis for years...but it is scary and exciting to me.  As I have mentioned before, I rebel against having my time blocked out for me.  I need to have a certain amount of free time or I go a little bonkers.  So working out a schedule that allows for everything is going to be interesting.  I'm sure I can get lots of advice from my mom friends.  But in some important ways, each woman has to go the road alone.

I just hope that my beautiful son doesn't get lost in the shuffle.  He will be starting preschool, with three full days and two half days.  We will have less time for all the fun outings we do now, but we'll just have to pack more into our quality weekend family time.  I am going to be asking much from my wonderful and supportive partner; things are going to have to be more equal on the homefront.  We are working our way towards equal parenting, but we still have a long way to go to be truly equal in the home-making department.  I am hoping we can swing hiring a cleaning person for even just once a month, otherwise our bathrooms might never get clean.  I readily admit that I am not superwoman.  I'm not even batgirl.  I need help.

So hopefully over the course of 2009, I can offer little updates into my life and share my victories and challenges along the way.  Any advice, pointers or co-misseration will be greatly appreciated.

Here's to a heart-felt holiday!

In our house we don't go crazy at Christmas time. Hell, in some ways I have no idea why we even celebrate Christmas, we are not Christian....but we are American, so we celebrate one of the holiest of days (to Christians) with a fake spinning tree, some presents, lots of cookies, and don't forget the booze.

Our son is getting three gifts from his parents: a Waldorf doll, a new lunchbox and a toy transit bus. But before you feel sorry for him, his grandparents will be giving him a tent, an easel, some cars and trucks and, who knows what else. So we don't see the need to go all crazy and flood our house with plastic crap. He has plenty of toys.

We work hard at having "the holidays" mean more than presents and "give me!" We focus on welcoming family and friends into our home. Sharing good food and drink. Being grateful and happy for the lovely life we have.

We have some Christmas traditions of our own: Scrabble games, watching A Christmas Story and South Park's Christmas Special (Mr. Hanky!!!) on Christmas Eve, opening presents one at a time on Christmas morning, and baking lots of cookies.

So what I am really trying to say: share your special family traditions with your kids. Play some games. Eat too much. Listen to your parents' stories (if you are lucky to have them around). But don't stress out about buying this or getting that. It so isn't about the presents. Do you really remember what you got last year? Do you remember what you gave?

Remember holidays are supposed to be enjoyable, right?